Frodo Baggins: an autobiography
by Eryn Galen
Summary: (rated R for cursing and some adult content) what if Frodo kept a diary? I took that idea and changed it into a shameless parody! funny in a weird sort of way, good if you want a laugh. please R&R!
1. Default Chapter

I have finally posted this fic, I think I said like, five months ago that I'd post it, but it's only come out now!

A/N: I wrote most of this in classes in school, so if the characters seem quite **out of character **it's all my teachers' fault!

A/N#2: there is no pairings in this fic, but I'm hinting a bit of Aragorn/Legolas, I just think they would look great together!

A/N#3: this is all in Frodo's P.O.V, so I'm only writing about **his** journey and there will be no mention about any of the other characters that are not with him when they separate.

A/N#4: this fic is only rated R because of cursing. It was PG-13, but this fic and another PG-13 one was taken off, so both are now R rated. I don't even know what R means… about 15's where I come from.

Disclaimer: I own none of this; I only own Frodo's thoughts because I don't know what his real thoughts were.

FRODO BAGGINS: AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY 

INTRODUCTION.

Yeah, hi, I'm Frodo Baggins and this is my story about my journey to and from Mount Doom. For anyone who doesn't know me I'm the 'dude with the ring'. As I'm sure you know I'm a ring bearer, a magic ring bearer, but it's not cool magic, like magic that could prove Elvis is dead or not or make pizza, no all it dose is turn people invisible. I think anyway, perhaps I should have listened to Gandalf's ramblings………anyway I can't even use the stupid thing because Gandalf said so; he wants to be the only one to use it, HA! Thought shit, he should have got it fist! I started this diary thingy leaving Rivendell, so I'll fill you in so far:

Ok, here we go. You might want to put on a cup of tea, 'cause this is one hell of a summery!

I was sitting, minding my own business when this old dude appears, it was Gandalf. Man that hat made him look old. Right, anyway I had to greet him like a friend because Bilbo keeps giving me his 'be nice to the strange man in the old hat' lecture. We make polite conversation, asking stuff like, 'how are you, nice weather we're having and you seem shorter than usual' that last question was kind of a throw in excuse to get me talking. I think Gandalf has gone senile!

Any way it was Bilbo's b-day so we had like a huge party with strippers and stuff, oh and we had Spaghetti! Gandalf had some fireworks, and one blew up my cousins' bathtub! (Don't ask!) Afterwards Bilbo made the most boring speech in the history of all boring speeches! And then he disappeared, like that, and he never opened his presents…oh yeah, he never got any! I, of course had to spend the rest of the afternoon in a tent, eating, with my two drunken cousins and other stupid, ugly yokels, whom I hadn't the faintest idea where they came from!

When I came home as drunk as a lord, totally forgot about Bilbo, I found Gandalf in **my **sitting room eating **my** food with **my** knives and forks. Then he told me all about the ring and stuff, I can't really remember, I was that drunk! So anyway, he leaves and comes back in like September to tell me to flee to Rivendell. I just love that word, 'Flee', sounds like 'fly' but only better! I bring Sam and Merry with me and we travel to my new home in Crickhollow, where we get ambushed by black riders, scared shitless by elves, almost eaten by ferocious dogs and fell a lot down bogs and puddles, and that was the pleasant part, when we left Crickhollow, we got chased by black riders, lost in a huge wood, almost eaten by a tree and then we got rescued by Tom Bombadil, who let us through the Withywindle valley only to be attacked by the Barrow Wights. Creepy people who had a lot of treasure.

But Tom rescued us again, so we were back to square one. This time, when we left Tom went the whole way with us (NOT in that way, you perverts!) on his pony fatty Lumpkin, the worst name imaginable. So when we left the Barrow-downs we headed towards Bree, the town that Gandalf told me to meet him, we had a little chat with the Doorman and then we went to the Prancing Pony, a famous pub. We expected to see Gandalf there, but he wasn't. He was probably straightening his beard or something.

Anyway, the landlord, Barliman Butterbur, gave us a hobbit room. Honestly do **we** look like hobbits? Oh, wait…strike that! Anyway we went into the lobby, although Merry didn't want to. I think he's a bit claustrophobic! When we went into the lobby, there were quite a lot of other hobbits there, this surprised me. And in the end, somehow or the other, I found myself singing on a table and suddenly putting the ring on. It was sooooo cool being invisible, despite I could see Sauron. That wasn't pleasant.

This ranger guy, Stripper, I think his name was, asked to talk to me in my room, god man take it slowly will you I'm still a virgin! But before he could try anything Butterbur ran in a gave out shit to me and then he saw Stripper and warned me about him, I didn't listen however, I was in a dream about this hot chick I saw last summer. Then he sent stripper out and he gave me a note, it was from Gandalf telling me that his curlers got stuck in his beard and he wasn't able to meet me, eh! I'm not complaining!

The letter told me all about 'escaping' and 'being careful' and 'masturbation tips' the last one went ignored. He also told me about his pal Aragorn as well and told me that he went by the name of Strider, funny, I never saw or met a 'Strider'. And then Stripper appeared and said that he was really Aragorn, which shocked me as I thought he was called Stripper!

Ah well, then Merry ran in shrieking something that sounded like 'Santa Clause is outside!' I should mention that Merry has a phobia of Santa ever since he got an action man instead of a Barbie, long story…I'll tell you later! (**A/N: that story will be written out and posted up real soon! LOL!) **But then one of Butterbur's bitches; Nob I think, very intelligent name, told us that he found Merry in a gutter wearing nothing but a tong, and that he saw a black rider!

That night the prancing pony was ambushed, but Stripper protected us. Wait……. I mean, Strider. God I have to get out more. Anyway, in the morning we found that all our ponies were either stolen or eaten, damn. So Strider sent Nob out to find us another one. He came back with one offer; a half starved donkey, called Bill, who was owned by Bill Ferney. Did you ever notice how both beast and Donkey were called 'Bill'? Creepy, and I bet that poor Donkey was some sort of toy. Sick Bastard!

Anyway, we headed of into the 'wild' as strider called it. It was actually the zoo, but we weren't complaining! We travelled through a lot of bugs and we were bitten everywhere, and I mean **everywhere**. I finally came to a conclusion that if Strider weren't with us, there would be no flies anywhere, god man, get some deodorant! We reached Wethertop (is that spelt right?) and we took shelter in a cave.

We saw signs of other people in that cave and Strider told us that rangers must have stayed here. Definition of ranger: poor slob that has no job, no money and no pizza, who watches amateur porn, and jerks off to it.

We sent Sam and Pippin off to look around and Black riders attacked us again, honestly! You can't even go for a piss without those buggers appearing! Anyway we ran to the cave and strider sang us songs when the riders came into our cave. They were only looking for a smoke and the odd joint, but strider didn't want to share so he resorted to violence to sort them out.

As you probably guessed, I was the one that got hurt.

I got stabbed by a Morgul blade (is that spelt right?) and it **hurt**, got that? Fucking hurt! And of course strider made me walk and walk and walk and walk and walk and walk and walk and walk and walk and walk and walk and walk and walk and walk and walk and walk and walk and walk and walk and walk and walk and walk and walk and walk and walk and walk and walk and walk and walk and walk and walk and walk and walk and walk and walk and can you believe it? ……**WALK!**

But by that time I had absolutely no energy what so ever and all the Lucozade was gone, Sam drank it all. So I was put on the donkey. Pippin started to sing 'little donkey' and Merry started to sing 'Sex bomb' so I was well and truly scared. When we got to a bridge strider found a stone and he was awed by it, yeash mad don't soil your pants! He probable never saw anything more valuable in his life and that's saying something, that thing wasn't even worth my uncle's left kidney. And that's something.

Then we heard hoof beats on the road and we all ran thinking it was a ringwraith; did you ever notice how many names they have? Anyway, the hoofs turned out to be from a Grey, elven horse not a black, dead horse. The elf riding it was called Glorfindel. And you all thought it was Arwen! Stupid movie changing the characters in the most uncaring way! NO they didn't think of Glorfindel's feeling at all when they put Arwen in HIS moment! And did you ever notice how they call he an elven 'princess' when she is not? You see I could diss Arwen for the rest of this fic, but that's not what I'm being paid to do, so I'll continue.

Anyway I got to ride on the BIG horsy, it was fun, until the Ringwraiths chased us, then it got messy. So Glorfindel made the horse gallop off. I was hanging on for dear life. The scary thing was the fact that I could see the wraiths clearly. That and the fact that I was turning into one made me ask myself: 'will I be able to eat pizza or lasagne when I morph?' (Was reading Animorphs!)

Then the river came alive! Was the world ending? I was terrified but the river ignored me and swept away the wraiths and with one last EECH! They were gone! Zippedy doo da, Zippedy yay! Then I fainted…. Bummer.

I wok up in Rivendell, with a great frowning git in my face, saying:

Hubble Bubble,

Toil and trouble,

Children's nails,

And cauldron bubble!

Yes I'm scared too. Gandalf was there with curlers in his beard and a pink bow in his hair. God can he look any gayer?

Then He told me this long story about wizards and towers and stuff. I daydreamed through the whole thing. Man, old men are boring! Then Sam runs in and gives me a huge hug that almost kills me and then we run around for hours trying to find Merry and Pippin, who were blowing up a part of Rivendell with fireworks! We talked and chatted and gossiped and conversed and jabbered and communed and generally everything else to do with making words with ones mouth.

Boring.

Then two happened at once; one, I found Bilbo after dinner and two, I found some pizza! Bilbo told me many storied none of which I paid any attention, bless him and he also told me about this mortal woman who stripped for a living. Not…very…pleasant, mainly because the woman was ninety-nine years old and has enough wrinkles to be a map of hills and mountains.

And the pizza was pepperoni pizza!! It was sooooo delicious!!! I wish there was more, oh! I want pizza now! Look I'm drooling!! Pizza…the king of Italian food. Spaghetti the queen! I like spaghetti as well! Yummy.

If you go down to the council today you're sure of a big surprise.

If you go down to the council today you better go in disguise.

For every race, whoever they are.

Will gather here, like the wizard of Oz

Today's the day the fate of the world's decided.

Now that was random, but entertaining! So I guess by that masterpiece that **moi** composed, that you know that there's a council-taking place. If not……go back to junior infants, idiots! Only kidding, I didn't exactly make that clear and anyway Pippin thinks a council is a type of ice cream.

So anyway, we spent **nine fucking hours** sitting and **talking**. It was sooooo boring! I fell asleep for most of it. There was a big crowd there. Strider/Aragorn was there, Elrond was there and Gandalf was there. There were more people there as well. There was a man called Boromir there. There were other men as well but they weren't introduced to me. There were loads of dwarfs and the smelt worse than my uncle's socks and you can probably imagine how smelly they are. Yep, d…i…s…g…u…s…t…i…n…g! some of the dwarfs were called names like, dopey and happy and grumpy oh! There was one called smelly. I didn't talk to him. And a dwarf called Gimli with his father Gloin was there as well. And there were elves there as well. Glorfindel my rescuer was there and Elrond (I mentioned him already, didn't I?!) was there, there was another elf called Legolas there as well and he's a prince. And there were many other people there but I **was the only hobbit** of the lot!

I felt so embarrassed. Now little test for all of you…how many times did I say 'there' in the above paragraph?

There I'll let you ponder on that one…

Enough pondering. Let's continue. Everyone told a little tale and many were boring so I took to watching Legolas. I think I scared him 'cause he kept fidgeting and coughing and looking around nervously. Might also have been the fact that he was sitting beside a dwarf. So I continued to stare at him, unblinking and evilly. He tried to ignore me, didn't work very well. He started staring back at me and I turned into an all out staring competition. I wasn't going to let him win.

Guess who won?

Legolas of course, I was rudely interrupted by Elrond who was asking me whether i wanted fries with my lunch, and by accident I looked away. But Legolas, in a moment of sheer blondness (no offence to any blondes out there!) jumped up and said 'Ha, I win!'. Everyone just stared at him like he had two heads.

In the end, and without even asking me if I would like to go, Gandalf said that would go on the quest. He said he was going to, mainly to watch over Aragorn, who was coming because he promised Legolas' father that he would make sure Legolas doesn't hurt himself, which is almost all the time. Legolas came because he wanted to make sure Gimli had enough baths.

Gimli? I don't know! …Perhaps he was bribed?

Then my fellow hobbits just invited themselves in with us, no asking just 'I'm coming to!' no, 'we would like to accompany Frodo on the quest, shall we go?' just, 'we're coming as well'.

Pleasant.

Well that was one hell of a summery! Book one and part of book two in a nutshell!

So what do you think? The actual diary will start in chapter one, this is just a prologue.

: I don't even know if these are the right words, I was watching the Black Cauldron earlier before I started this.

1: yet again another completely random song in the tune of the 'teddy bear picnic' I thought it was cute…


	2. day one

Disclaimer: I can honestly say I own nothing!

Warnings: major OOCness!

A/N: I got this idea after reading the FotR when Bilbo shouts 'I don't suppose you will be able to keep a diary, Frodo my lad, but I shall expect a full account when you get back!'- The Fellowship of the ring chapter 'the ring goes south'.

DAY ONE.

_11.ooam._

I'm leaving Rivendell today. Bilbo gave me this diary to record my journey, be he never gave me any ink or quills. His has serious short-term memory loss. Oh, I also got a sword, for what use I don't know, I can't fight! And he gave me a mithril chain mail to wear underneath my clothes. It's very prettyful and shinyful!

Oh, there goes that damn bell again! Stupid bell and it's annoying ringing! It rings at like, three in the morning. For what purpose I do not know, but these elves are mad!

Sam loves them though he keeps saying stuff like 'oh, Mr. Frodo did you see that elf!' 'Mr. Frodo, Mr. Frodo, look at these elvish designs' 'Mr. Frodo! An elf just talked to me!' it is just so annoying! I was even thinking of buying him an elf for his birthday, but I didn't know where to get one, and then there's the issue about money... so I gave him an elvish statue instead. I'm sure Elrond won't mind... I hope...

The food here also has much to be desired, I mean, yeah, it's good... for elven food, but I can't see myself surviving on this stuff long-term. Pippin loves it though... Merry says it's awful. For once in my life... I agree withy him!

_2.00pm_.

My fellow travellers are Gandalf, the extremely annoying, he took full leadership of the group because he's 'the oldest and wisest'... yeah right.

The next person is Aragorn; he's cool in the sort of I'm-a-big-brooding-ranger-so-don't-mess-with-me kind of way.

Sam, Merry and Pippin, just invited themselves along, although I'm glad they did, I couldn't stand this journey without some homely reminders, so to speak. Although I worry about Merry's carrot obsession...

Legolas is some elf prince with absolutely no brains, honestly! If you blew helium through his ears and tie a string to him, you have an air balloon! I bet he's older than Gandalf though.

Boromir is some dude with a serious attitude; I'll have to watch out for him.

Gimli, whom I first thought was a moving hillock, is a dwarf. He likes axes...

We set off after Elrond gave us a 'going away on a perilous mission speech' I didn't listen... I don't think anyone did. Merry started twiddling his thumbs and Legolas started doing his hair. Aragorn listened however; I think he's trying to get a car off him because I've never seen someone suck up so much to another person. Sam stared at Legolas the whole time.

_7.00pm_

Dinner was quiet so we don't attract awareness to our presence. It was fun though. I got Legolas' food because he's 'watching his figure' so yay for me! Sam ate enough food to feed the whole of Brandy hall! Well, maybe that's exaggerating a bit, but he did eat more than me, and I had two shares!

Merry started to get twitchy, and he kept scratching his behind, and when Boromir shouted at him 'what's wrong with you?' did we realise he was sitting in a patch of nettles. Oh, well I don't think brains run in the family.

Legolas and Aragorn went off somewhere. I don't know where, but I think love in the air. Either that or it's the broccoli burning...

We kept walking after that for a few hours, then we found like the hardest ground in the history of Middle-Earth! I mean, come on... dried dirt? That's the best we could have found in fields and fields of grass? Eh... I'm not bothered.

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I know it's a bit mad, al right, but please R&R anyway. I will certainly take any flames or bashings from you, anything to get reviews! So if you want to say how much you hate this and me please drop a review. And even if you love this, please drop a review anyway!


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